thing 17: look for a job

it has been 53 days since my job and i parted ways.  it took 50 of those days for me to step foot into my home office for anything other than simply passing through.  i have no idea why on the 50th day, i felt compelled to rearrange furniture, wash the windows inside and out, dust everything from blinds to baseboards - basically everything short of performing a spiritual cleansing ceremony with burning eucalyptus branches - but on that day, it was as if a voice said, “it’s time.”  it’s not as if my office was a horrible room.  in fact, i spent a great deal of time making it a space just for me from the furniture to the wallpaper to the accents.  i smile thinking about jack being home from school, playing by my feet, building legos, doing puzzles, or drawing on random pages in my notebook while i was on conference calls - and me coming across them weeks later when i flipped a page.  however, the room needed a fresh start along with a new aromatherapy candle to wash away ghosts of a job gone by.

i have not looked for a job since . . 

• the final episodes of dynasty, family ties, and moonlighting aired.
• toonces the driving cat took the wheel on saturday night live.
• milli vanilli was the best new artist.
• “faith,” by george michael, was the album of the year.
• “don’t worry, be happy” was the song of the year.
• “rain man” was the best picture.
• lucille ball passed away.
• the berlin wall fell.
• vice president dan quayle said, “what a waste it is to lose one's mind."
• gas was $1.12/gallon.

that year was 1989.  for whatever reason, it was important that i graduated college with a job already in place, and what i wanted was to work at a publishing company in manhattan, which is just what i did.  my starting salary as an editorial assistant was $15,500, and i thought it was truly amazing someone was willing to pay me money to do what i loved.  i adored everything about my job from standing on the train platform in the morning, feeling so sophisticated commuting into nyc, to paying bills from my own paycheck.  (the novelty of paying bills lasted about two months.)  i loved editing, and i loved words -- everything about them, including how they sounded and fell on a page.  whenever i looked up a word in the dictionary, i read the word above and the one below just for fun.  i still remember one of the first books i edited - the encyclopedia of investments - and thought it was one of the most fascinating things.  years later, when an author thanked me in his acknowledgement section, i was in awe to see my name in a book and realize i had something to do with it.

when a friend moved to another publishing company, she brought me with her.  i was working in the “new media” department, which, at the time, was “new” simply because it meant creating products that were offered on disks (and later cds, downloads, and online).  through the years, i got promoted, and with the changing business, my job morphed into something i no longer recognized.  not long ago, i realized nothing in my daily life resembled the reason i got into publishing in the first place.  i wholeheartedly recognize and appreciate that publishing is a business, and that in order to survive in this market and economy, it has to change and have a solid strategic vision.  what i came to see was that it wasn’t just the business around me that was changing, it was the people.  maybe it's because i'm older, but i now believe a job is less about the work and more about the people you are fortunate to interact with on a regular basis.  through the years, i have had the opportunity to work with some truly incredible people -- people who have helped shape who i am and who have inspired me.  however, i have also had the misfortune of working with people who do not have a vested interest in the success of a project aside from achieving their own personal agendas, and they go through each day without having a base level of respect and courtesy for those around them.  a favorite jaw-dropping conversation of mine started with the sentences, "lynne, i'm a dick.  that's who i am.  i'm not going to change."  this man, who was levels above me, went on (and on and on), and i realized he was right - he was a dick in every sense of the word.

it wasn’t long after the dick conversation that one of my close friends pointed out that when i started letting people i really didn't care about suck the joy and energy out of me to the point where i had little to no interest in things that made me happy (e.g., doing and writing about my 44 things), it was time to re-evaluate my situation. i was becoming the type of person i didn't like - crabby, negative, snippy, short-tempered -- and there were days i didn't even want to be around myself.  i knew it had to end, but thinking about alternatives was scary. i grew up at my job -- i bought my first apartment, met my husband, moved to colorado, got a dog (who still sleeps at my feet as i type), altered my view of the world and shifted my priorities as my heart broke after september 11th, endured fertility treatments, had a baby, learned to work from home, ached while my mother and sister each battled breast cancer, suffered a miscarriage.  while i never let my job define me, it was always a large part of my existence - until 53 days ago.

i will either kick myself for not staying and making it work or i will kick myself for not leaping into something new sooner.   here’s hoping it’s the later.  to quote jackson browne, “no matter where i am, i can’t help thinkin’ i’m just a day away from where i wanna be.”

on to thing 18 . . .